What's Real: Empath(y)
Originally published Jan 24, 2022
“Don’t call me that” I snapped at my partner the other day. He grimaced, confused. I smiled, apologetically.
He had called me an empath.
Not in a serious way–”hey baby, you’re such an empath” (is that serious?). He said it in a joking way, “Ohhhh it’s because you’re an empath right?” (smirking playfully).
He thought that because I’m in school to be a therapist, and because I am highly empathic (I cry at every display of genuine human emotion on TV) that I wouldn’t mind being referred to jokingly as an empath. I minded.
Since that interaction, I’ve been thinking a lot about the term empath. I have friends who call themselves empaths, and I understand that what it’s really short for is being tuned in to other peoples’ energy. My reiki practitioner identifies as an empath and she’s an incredible coach and guide.
Where I take issue with empath is how it’s used to convey that you know people better than they know themselves. That you know what’s really going on for them. That you can know what they are feeling before they do.
That’s where it really loses me.
One of my personal beliefs is that people know how they feel and know what they need–and sometimes they need help figuring it out, putting words to it, and acting on it. And while I think interpersonal conversations and dynamics can spark new learnings about oneself, I believe that comes from a place of self-knowledge not from a place of being ‘read’ by someone else.
I also believe empathy is critical to any therapeutic or meaningful interpersonal relationship. Not having empathy for the person you’re speaking to or working with is like trying to drive a car without oil. You might get to a destination, but it probably won’t be as far as you wanted and the journey is going to be anxiety inducing.
Quite coincidentally to this conversation, today in school I learned about ‘mirror neurons’ and it’s probably an idea you’re somewhat familiar with even if the term itself is new. When we see someone experience–or even talk about–pain, excitement, sadness etc., our brain fires up as if we’re feeling the same thing. We get a small dose of the real emotion that we are witnessing.
Naturally, learning about this sent me down a rabbit hole of reading scientific journal articles on mirror neurons and the therapeutic relationship. I was so genuinely thrilled to see that they had called attention to the fact that practitioners need to be careful to not ascribe everything they feel around a client to mirror neurons. They talk about how some practitioners feel an overwhelming sense of discomfort or telepathy (yeah) with their client outside of observable behaviour, and they also talked about how this is likely best explained by the practitioner having their own shit to work out. Ok they didn’t phrase it like that, but that’s the gist.
This is a great example of both things can be true. It is true that mirror neurons exist and we can feel genuine emotion in hearing another person speak about something emotional. It is also true that we can’t know everything about them through that experience. It’s also true that empathy is essential and it’s vital that we open our minds, ask questions, avoid assumptions, and hold space for whatever comes next.
Yours in empathy,
Lil